So, I've written a novel. Actually, not true. I've finished a manuscript that's 95,000 words that is fictional and adheres to what is traditionally thought of as a novel. But I'm violating an unwritten writers' code by even admitting to have written a novel. Until somebody buys it, it's an idea, a notion, something I'm casually working on.
I published a novel 20 years ago but I don't count it, since I had a co-author and the subject was basketball, which is kind of what I did for a living as a journalist. One of the few people I told about this latest project asked me if being a nonfiction writer helps you write fiction. Well, to an extent. Writing is a process whether you're writing fiction or nonfiction; you gotta haul out the laptop, set it up, start the arduous ordeal of actually typing words. But this is second nature to me so that's an advantage. After that? Eh, not so much.
I asked my wife which form of writing she considers more difficult—fiction or nonfiction—and her answer was swift. "Oh, fiction, for sure. Nonfiction is a little like writing a term paper, right?" Well, okay, I guess. I think you can be a good nonfiction writer or a mediocre one, but in any case, yes. You're kind of following an outline based on research and interviews. The facts guide you.
Fiction sounds liberating because when you get stuck, you can always make something up. I've heard many writers criticize Grisham or Danielle Steel for their mass appeal and their supposed lack of character development, but until you actually sit down to write fiction, you don't understand how hard it is to write something that makes people want to turn the damn page, especially if there's no vampires in it. Hint: I have no vampires in my novel.
To give you an idea of how "easy" it's been for me to write this novel, I've been through, by rough estimate, seven drafts, although the first three no longer count because I threw that idea away and started a new one. The only thing that remained was the setting.
The hardest thing, I found, was writing love scenes. Keep in mind, I'm not writing a bodice-ripping romance novel; no heaving bosoms and chivalric manhood. I'm just trying to convey the idea about a normal romantic encounter. Well, it turns out this is difficult for even seasoned fiction writers, which is why a romance novelist named Coral Hart, which sounds like a name from a romance novel, conducts classes for budding writers entitled "Write Dirty With Me." In this class, she gives instructions on how to write "the perfect sex scene" using artificial intelligence.
Now, you've heard me rail against AI before in this time slot, but I couldn't resist this temptation to try it out. My main protagonists are a man and a woman in their 30s who eventually, shall we say, get together. So, I asked the AI chatbot to write a romantic scene for a couple in their 30s and here's part of what it gave me.
"Maya traced the curve of his jaw, memorizing him as if he might vanish with the storm. Daniel leaned into her touch, his hand settling on her waist, steady and certain. Their laughter faded into a hush, replaced by the gentle rhythm of shared breath. When he kissed her, it was unhurried; curious at first, then deeper. Filled with the kind of tenderness that comes from knowing and being known. Outside, the rain continued its quiet applause but inside, time slowed, wrapping them in a moment that felt entirely their own."
Well, I think we can agree that wasn't very good. We're not even sure what happened. And it definitely did not come out of Coral Hart's "Write Dirty With Me" program. But I'm still not happy with my romantic scenes and I'm open for nominations. Feel free to email me in care of the station with a few suggestions if you're, you know, in the mood.
