My wife and I will be celebrating our fiftieth anniversary very soon. I pause a couple seconds for your respectful admiration, thank you. It is not a singular achievement. A few of our couple friends have been married as long, and at least one has been married much longer. Heck, even some celebrity couples have reached fifty years. Most notably Dolly Parton and her husband Carl Thomas Dean. Obviously I had to Google Carl Thomas Dean.
Several of my friends asked a predictable question about the fifty-year milestone: "What's your secret?" I'm not sure they really believe there is an answer and don't care to hear it anyway. And I know I'm suspicious when I hear a grizzled centenarian state that the key to his longevity is, I don't know, drinking two glasses of scotch and eating two bologna sandwiches every day. That might be his reason. To somebody else, it could be the reason they had a coronary at age 56.
But the milestone did get me thinking about the reasons Donna Kisselbach McCallum, a native of Philipsburg, New Jersey, a graduate of Muhlenberg College, and a long-time teacher in the Parkland and Bethlehem School Districts, and myself have made it this far.
The #1 key is luck. At least three couples I know would've reached fifty and points beyond, but circumstances beyond their control have taken one of them away. My wife and I have been fortunate in that respect.
Secondly, you have to carve out some time when you're not together. You're a married couple, you're not Siamese twins. In our case, I had a job that took me away frequently. It wasn't always easy, particularly on my wife, but we made the best of it and when asked about it now, she says, "Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder." She also mumbles, "Out of sight, out of mind."
Third, having said that, you have to find some kind of joint touchstone. Some kind of reliable go-to if, let's say, the environment between you turns dark. Maybe that something is a hobby — biking, for example. I mention biking because biking's not our thing, but it might be yours. My wife and I have a couple of things. Music is one. Things have gone badly? Put on the Jackson Brown, the Bonnie Raitt, the John Prine. I know I'm dating both of us. Or cooking. Things have gone badly? Make the meatballs (you've gotta sauté them in the pan, by the way, don't just bake them in the oven) or the roast chicken. It's a way of saying, "Let's get back on track."
Along those same lines, you have to find a way to apologize to each other. Not constantly, not even every time. But, though apologizing is hard, you've gotta find a way to do it. It doesn't have to be verbal; put on the Bonnie Raitt, start the food cooking. It's another way to apologize without saying it.
This point is very important: eliminate jokes, insults and side eyes directed at your spouse in public. I mean all jokes, insults and side eyes. There is no way that singling out your spouse for ridicule, however mild it might seem to be, is a good idea. I know this from experience. Stop it. Don't do it.
This is my final tip and it came about because of the pandemic, not our looming milestone. Night after night, my wife and I would watch the death toll rise in 2020 and 2021 and decided the last thing we would say to each other each night was "I love you." Now, some couples say that to each other five times a day. "Hi, honey, I'm stopping at Wegmans for bread. Love you!" Well, we weren't that couple. We said it rarely. But by making it the last thing you say every night, you clear up any bad air that might be around you, particularly if it's too late for Bonnie or to start the roast chicken.
So, those are my humble tips.
